mommy-guilt

Anytime I write something I feel is controversial with the intention of sharing, I end up editing into oblivion as to not offend.  This post has been sitting, ready to be shared for weeks.  But I've been so scared of upsetting anyone's delicate sensibilities, I've held off till now.  However...

Keep in mind, if you think this post is singling you out, it's not.  If you get offended, I'm sorry.  That wasn't my intention.  I just had a mental breakdown and thought you ought to know.

I have mommy guilt.  Not the, "I just hid in the pantry while I ate a pop tart" mommy guilt.  The soul deep, massive, overwhelming "my kids eat gluten and dairy and I don't buy organic everything and their teeth will fall out because I use granulated sugar and I buy fast food like once a week and we watch tv, use store bought deodorant, don't make our own laundry soap and they go to public school" kind of mommy guilt.  I am drowning in it.

I tell you, if one more person says to me that I shouldn't eat sugar/bread/pasta/non-free-range eggs/meat/poultry/dairy/processed-anything/canned food I will run screaming into Dunkin' Donuts barefoot and the police will find me there stuffing myself into a processed, sugary, gluten coma.

I often fall into despair when I make a grocery list.  My budget doesn't always allow me to buy only "the good stuff."

I feel shame because my kids *gasp* eat bread!

Why?!

Why do I beat myself up because I cook from scratch and yet I still feel like I'm not measuring up to Suzy Q. next door?

Am I really doing such a HUGE disservice to my family because I'm not gluten free, dairy free, paleo, vegan, vegetarian, fruitarian or whatever the next "free-arian" is?

Why am I, and the way I live, seemingly not good enough anymore?

Please note: I realize that many of these diets are very necessary for some people.  I have friends who I love that eat fermented food and I don't shun them.  I have others that get violently ill if they eat gluten and I am not saying they should.  I don't want them to be sick!  Certain people NEED to eliminate many things from their diet in order FOR their bodies to properly function and for them to be at their best.  I am not upset or annoyed or anything else with them for sharing their lifestyle and diets with us. 

I just want to know when did it become not ok to eat a normal, balanced diet?

I'm not talking about ding-dongs and diet coke for breakfast, Taco Bell for lunch and potato chips and fried chicken for dinner all while you sit on your Hoveround.  I'm talking Brazil Butt Lift DVD's, lots of fresh fruits and veggies, whole grains, a bit of dairy, chicken and beef... it's what's for dinner.

God gave us all one body and we should fuel it and take care of it to the best of our ability!  Which is what I try to do, but I can't do it ALL.

And everyday, on tv/facebook/instagram/pinterest I am bombarded by it all.  I am reminded that I'm not doing exactly what the experts say.  That somehow, in some way, I'm irrevocably messing it up.

And then I feel guilt.  Which leads to frustration.  Which leads to me hiding in the pantry and crying while I eat Stevia with a spoon.

It needs to stop.  And not just because Stevia is gross.

God doesn't ask me to be perfect.  (Which is a really good thing.  Because I obviously have "issues" with perfectionism...)

So this year, I'm just going to do my best.

And sometimes if my best is pizza from Papa Murphy's so I have more time to go play at the playground with my kids, or spend a few extra minutes talking to my husband about his day and not ignore him to go make dinner, then that's what it will be.

I will stop reading every-single-thing-about-every-single-diet so I don't feel shell shocked.

I will continue to mainly cook from scratch with quality ingredients.

I will make small dietary changes when necessary and not feel overwhelmed.

I will be confident in the knowledge that my family is happy and healthy, even though they didn't have $5 a doz. cage free eggs for breakfast.

I will be thankful that even when I can't afford a cart full of only "the good stuff" at the grocery store, I am provided for and able to afford groceries period.

Because I am good enough.

And if I stop stressing so much about food, maybe I'll have time to make my own laundry soap.

let us pray

Let us pray, let us pray

Everywhere in every way

Every moment of the day

It is the right time

For the Father above

He is listening with love

And He wants to answer us

So, let us pray

Here in P-town we have a family that we've been close to for 9 years now!  (Ever since our first born girls arrived a mere few weeks apart the summer of 2002.)  We've grown with the Thomas family from mums and dads of 1 to mums and dads of 4!  One experience that we have been privileged to share with Nathan and Katrina are our times of dedicating the kids to the Lord.  Except in 2008 when we dedicated Liam and Connor at separate times, we have come together to pray over our children and ask our church family to do the same!  On this very special Father's Day we dedicated the most recent 2 kiddos, Avonlea and Finn!

When we move we will greatly miss Nathan, Katrina, Anika, Kaeden, Connor & Avonlea!  

Love you all!

changes

Your life is defined by opportunities....

I'm headed home.  Well, I'm headed back to the place I was born.  Jason and I feel that God is leading us to Austin, Texas.  At least that's what we hope we're being told....

4 days before Finn was born Jason lost his "steady" full time job due to being a man of integrity. It was hard for both of us to make a decision that basically resulted in Jason firing himself from the company he worked for, but we felt that by standing up for what was right, we'd come out ahead in life.

The day Jason lost his job I started sending out resumes.  We looked at Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Florida, Utah and Texas.  We got immediate response from a guy in Florida who really wanted to speak with Jason and then when they missed each other on the phone twice, that turned into a "see you in person" request that we had to turn down as Finn was a day old when the request came in.  We asked if a telephone interview could be conducted and never heard back from the guy... I was crushed as *I* wanted to move back to Naples.  I love the ocean and beach and had just figured that's where we would wind up!

But a couple of weeks ago Jason was looking at help wanted ad's in Texas and called on one in Austin.  He spoke with the owner in the morning and asked me that afternoon to email them his resume.  I did and they called Jason about 10 minutes after they got my email and asked how soon could he come down and interview.

Jason just got home Thursday morning from being in Austin for 4 days.  He has 3 offers- 1 is dependent upon him attaining his Journeyman license here in CO, 1 is a "as soon as you get here I will hire you" offer, 1 is open ended and not as firm, but still an offer.  And he got a call at 7:30 Thursday morning from another company who is interested in him and wants him to come interview once we get there. (So that's a total of 4 and there are still more companies he applied to that we could potentially hear back from!)

So we need to get there.  Because of the Lord's providing hand moving in our families hearts, friends lives and our church family we were able to pay the bills and buy groceries in May.  Without the monetary gifts they gave us, we would not have made it (the winter season in Pagosa ate our savings.)  June is shaping up to be a better month and for that, we are grateful to the Lord for providing.  But plumbing work is really drying up here (ha...ha) and Jason is not getting the amount of work he needs to, so that we can stay.

Jason and I have "tried" to move for the last 4 years.  We've sent out resumes all over the U.S., but we never really planned TO go.  Every year things have opened up to stay - we've gotten a new job or our housing situation was remedied.  We made the decision to trust in the Lord, that no matter how hard it would be, that we WERE going to move (someplace) this summer- the place He wanted us.  As soon as we did the calls started coming in, in response to the resumes we sent out in the last month.

We still have some hurdles to jump!  The state is being a pain and has told Jason he is short in his hours, by 6 weeks, to qualify to test for his Journeyman license.  We're sort of shocked that they are telling him no because of a 6 week difference.  The man has worked 5 years in the plumbing trade in CO and this is annoying.  So we're trying to see what can be done and praying that the Lord works it all out as it's very important Jason attain this license before we move.

We should know by the end of next week what's going to happen with that and then we will set an "official" moving date.  But for now, it's going to be sometime between July 10th and August 1st.

I moved every 4 years as a kid, but I've lived in Pagosa for the last 15 years, Jason for 17.  As annoying as it can be sometimes, I've gotten used to the small town life.  No busy, confusing highways.  No shopping temptations!  Not having to pick a grocery store as there is only one in town.  We LOVE our church family.  We LOVE our friends.  It's going to be hard for us to leave and I've been in a sort of denial about it.  The emotional stress of leaving something I've known for so long is going to be difficult on me.  I've been telling people individually that yes, we're moving, but I haven't actually posted it on Facebook or anything.  Because of course, once it's on Facebook, it's official....  :P

But it's time.  I need to start hugging and crying it out when I see those I'm leaving.

We're moving.